Saturday, July 28, 2012

Faith


“For we walk by faith, not by sight.” 2 Corinthians 5:7

            I’ve tried to write this blogpost over and over again, never finding the right words, I deleted and tried again, each time I ended up deleting it again and shutting down my computer in frustration. However after meeting Faith I knew I had the right words.
Faith is a young girl of seventeen, she came with her family to help us unload the trucks at our new place, her hair was pulled back and her clothing some would say extremely modest.  Every time I turned around there was Faith, waiting for me to give her something to do, “Put me to work Heidi, I can do it!”  She never stopped, she worked just as energetically as the men and with a mirth about her.  Faith is partially deaf, she can hear, but you have to speak straight to her for her to actually understand. Through it all Faith never has given up, she never let her slurred speech or lack of hearing let herself become bitter—true to her name she stayed faithful in a God who knew what He was doing when He created her.
“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1

I never knew if my decision to stay in California was right, I felt God wanted me there but there were always those nagging thoughts of “you have never been without your family…you will fail” and “what makes you think you can do this?”  “But God wants me here!” I would tell myself over and over again, still I felt helpless. He never said following Him would be easy…have faith…have faith…
“By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.” Hebrews 11:3


By faith we see the hand of God 
In the light of creations grand design
In the lives of those who prove His faithfulness
Who walk by faith and not by sight 


            There were nights I wanted to run away, days I wished I had never existed, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life.  Looking back now I see how God used that situation to bring me closer to Him, to desire to be apart of His plan for me.  Not knowing what to do caused me to search His Word, and through those words I saw how desperate I am apart from Him, through the pain of it all I found the beauty of His Words, and the passion of His calling It’s not easy…have faith…
“…for it is God who works in you, both to will and to do for His good pleasure.”  Philippians 2:13

By faith this mountain shall be moved
And the power of the gospel shall prevail
For we know in Christ all things are possible
For all who call upon His name

            I look up to the beautiful blue country sky, I’m sitting under an apple tree, in the soft grass with grape vines all around me; I dearly love this place, it’s a perfect country home, but it’s not my home.  I know this now, I know where I have been called and those nagging thoughts have been put to rest, people may still question but I know what God has called me to do and to be for now.    
By faith the church was called to go
In the power of the Spirit to the lost
To deliver captives and to preach good news
In every corner of the earth
We will stand as children of the promise
We will fix our eyes on Him our soul's reward
Till the race is finished and the work is done
We'll walk by faith and not by sight

          For faith was energetic, every time I turned around there it has been staring me in the face saying “Put me to work Heidi, let go, let faith take over.” It was waiting mirthfully for me with lessons and challenges, each one telling me to have faith in the God who created me and who has a plan much greater than my own.  My home is not with my family, it’s not with my friends, or school, or even necessarily California, my home is where God calls me to be a light.  My home is in Him, for now that place is California, but who knows where else He may call me.
           

         All these heavy thoughts will try to weigh you down,
 but not this time.


Way up in the air, you're finally free.

All this gravity will try to pull you down,
but not this time.


When the sun goes down, and the lights burn out,

Then it's time for you to shine.

Brighter than the shooting star,
so shine no matter where you are.

Fill the darkest night, with a brilliant light,

'cause it's time for you to shine.

Brighter than a shooting star,
so shine no matter where you are

Monday, June 18, 2012

Dear Little Girl


Dear Little Girl,

One day you will wake up.  You will look in the mirror and see the adult you have become.  Your eyes will reflect the memory of painful moments but your smile will hold to the hope of tomorrow.  It’s not that your life will be hard, for hardship is merely a state of mind, but it will have times when you are put through fire. However through each of these said fires you will gather strength, knowledge, and humility.  For you my dear are a diamond—pushed to extremities to be made into a sparkling jewel for His glory.
People will let you down, those you trust will prove to be untruthful and you will be forced to make some very grown up decisions but don’t lose your childhood because of that; hold fast darling you’re still a child in His eyes.  Other people will leave you, and you will feel alone battling off the world, but know this: the battle is not an earthly one and your Father is right there, arming and strengthening you for each fight.  
Now little girl, after eighteen years you’ll feel like you are ready for the world, and you are.  God has used your parents to mold you and shape you into a shining light for Him, but that doesn’t mean the world will not be rough—it will push and pull you till you feel like you can’t finish, till you want to give up, but it is in each of those weak times you look up.  Look up to Him lovely; He is your strength in every one of those times.  You aren’t made to fight on your own and He will never let you.  
In these years you will find your purpose; some say it is a calling, others will say your passion.  Your eyes will shine with excitement and your lips will speak fervently of His desire in your life.  But you will soon face a battle unlike any other—a battle of Job, where you are left wondering if you chose wrongly.  Don’t question Him, you are attacked because you speak truth, you are bruised because Satan wants you to fall and you are in pain because he will use people and circumstances to make you feel like you have failed—but you haven’t.  “For every one of Satan’s lies God has a beautiful truth.”
At the end of some days you will cry of exhaustion from fighting, you will feel empty from questioning, but you look to the cross and remember what He did for you, how He suffered, innocently, for you.  My dear He didn’t only die for you, nor did He only give you a purpose, but He gives you comfort—He gives you friends.  There will be many who will help you, guide you, and love you.  And at the end of those days when you are ready to give in He uses those friends to give you that extra push to fight, to comfort, and to love.  Dear, dear little girl the church will become more real and more alive to you as you see it used in your life.  So cherish your life darling, be adventurous and fight your battles looking to the Author and Finisher of your faith cherishing every trial, triumph and friend you make along the way. 


“and who knows whether you are come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14b


When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

What ever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
Though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see
I'm giving in to something Heavenly

"For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." Romans 8:24-25


Monday, May 28, 2012

Fight the Fight


     As I write this post I am sitting outside, on top of my car, locked out of my house.  Why? My family is asleep, not answering their phones, and my brother has my key. 
But it made me think: lately I’ve been feeling “locked out” of God.  I’ve wanted to give up, forfeit.  I’m not the type of person who gives up easily, but I’ve been tired and ready to give in.  
Give in to what?  
      I firmly believe when you start following God’s path for your life the devil will do anything in his power to stray you, to make you feel like you can’t do it.  You know what Satan? I can’t do it, I will never be able to do it, I alone am not enough.  But that’s the best part; I don’t have to do it.  Think about Job and what God allowed him to go through, and through it all he was never alone.  Satan tried and tried to use people, good people, to lead Job astray, but he never faltered.  I wish I could be like that.  I’ve faltered…a lot, I’ve even led others astray.   Realizing how far away I was from God was a dawning of a new day.  I realized, I’M AT WAR, no matter how many people try to push aside the spiritual battle that daily takes place--it still exists, and we are all apart of it.  I wasn’t ready for it.  I let school and work overtake my life until I couldn’t focus on God, I let myself become susceptible and I fell.
        Sitting outside is really cold, I long to be in the warmth of my home, 
similarly sitting outside of God is very destitute. I longed to be back in the 
warmth of His embrace. Why couldn’t I go back? What had I done?  I had let 
Satan try and dissuade me from my “calling” I had let him tell me to focus on 
school and work and tell me that God will come.  It took a couple of weeks but I 
finally saw it, through friends who didn’t even know God was using them, I 
realized how greatly I had fallen.  
      
This war can’t and won't be fought with my knowledge of math or biology 
concepts but with the truth of Christ.  I was never really “outside” or “in the cold” 
I was just lost, God was still there He was merely waiting for me to finally see 
what He was doing—molding me into a person who can and will fight for Him.  
description I once heard was how a jeweler uses a chisel to form the ruby into
a beautiful piece of art, similarly God uses people and His Word to fashion us.  
It’s not easy being hit and chiseled but it’s even worse giving up what you know 
God has called you to do, or who God has called you to become.

"what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then 
vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, If the Lord wills, we shall live and do 
this or that.”  James 4:14-15

What is my life about?  
If the Lord wills it I will live it, no matter how impossible or tiring it seems, I know 
that with Him all things are possible.
"Let us not become wearing in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:9 


Sunday, April 29, 2012

A Thinking Caterpillar


“Have you ever wondered what caterpillars think about?  For as long as they’ve known they were a plump worm just scooching along.  One day they take a long nap and after it they realize they have the ability to fly.”  But I wonder if it’s a strange sensation, terrifying, all they’ve ever known is the ground and crawling and then they’re different, they’ve been changed. 


When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?


Sometimes all we’ve ever known is the life we’re leaving behind.  It’s scary to change and go on ahead, but God knows how much we can handle, He’s seen how far we’ve come and He’s always working in us, turning us into that butterfly.  His Spirit whispers in our souls that the life ahead is so much better than the one behind. 


I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love 


He will never give up.  No matter how strange or frightening life becomes it’s in those darkest times His great work is being done. Just like a caterpillar trapped inside a cocoon wondering why the darkness of that place is necessary. When the terrifying flood was brought to an end “God gave Noah a reminder-a rainbow.   When God asked Abraham to leave his home and go into the desert, God told him to look to the stars, and it would be a reminder that his people would be just as great. And when Israel was fleeing from his brother, not knowing what his future would be, he had a dream of angels ascending and descending.  Before he left that place he fashioned rocks as a reminder to himself that he was part of God’s plan.”


 And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating 
I'll be here patiently waiting 
To see what you find 



He lets us make our decisions, He lets us choose the life we’ve known or the one He’s trying to give us--the butterfly He wants to turn us into. For me:

I'm still looking up

even if the darkness seems unbearable I know "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis 


"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38


"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."-James 1:2-4

Monday, March 19, 2012

Racing Time

Slow down, you crazy child
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?


"Faster, Faster!"  My younger sisters race around me and out the front door.  It seems like yesterday I was their age, racing to get older.  I wanted to be ten, I wanted to be thirteen, then sixteen, eighteen...now what do I want to be?  Why do I race?  I want to be done with school, onto my career, then to marriage and a family.  And yet...there's still so much I need to do before that. 



You better cool it off before you burn out
You've got so much to do and 
Only so many hours in a day

Each day presents itself with opportunities.  Days I can talk with an older sibling, watch my younger sisters play, talk to my parents, go see friends. Opportunities I put off to do homework, get to bed earlier, those opportunities don't last forever.  Why am I racing? 


Slow down you're doing just fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time


I have time.  I can stop, watch, listen, learn, and I have time to grow.  That's really what this time is for. I want to become all these things but I have time to grow into a person who is ready for those things. No need to be racing. 


Slow down, you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile 
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two 


Sometimes it's hard to wait, hard to sit back and enjoy the peacefulness. But when one is dying do we ever hear him say "I wish I spent one more day at work" or "I wish I had slept more before that class."  No.  Death brings about the relationships we wish we would've fixed, the plans we wished we would've accomplished, and the faces we wish we would've seen.  So slow down.  In His time you will be perfected and in His time your plans will be made whole. I'm going to stop racing and start realizing there is only one March 19, 2012 and only one me.  


"Be anxious for nothing."  

Friday, February 24, 2012

Change

“God is out to change us.”

The Sunday morning sermon echoed through my ears. 

“He’s morphing you into the image of Jesus.”

Jesus was beaten, bruised, and betrayed.

“If anyone had the right to have self-pity He did.”

And yet He didn’t and so many times I pity myself, nothing I have ever gone through compares.  I’m a mere ink dot in the greater script of His suffering. 

“God says, ‘One of the ways I’m going to save you from is yourself.’”

When I feel the only person I can hurt is myself—I hurt Him.  When I feel the only person who can hear me is myself—He hears.  And when I feel the only one who truly notices is me—He’s watching.

“God loves you just the way you are, but He loves you so much that He won’t let you stay that way.” 

BAM.  Nail hit on the head.  I’ve dedicated myself to following after Him and He’s going to make sure I am the best that I can be, through opportunities. 

“If you ask God for patience will He simply give you patience or give you the opportunity to practice patience.”

Practice relying solely on Him.  Practice Faith.

“When God wants you somewhere He will make sure you get there.”

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

Because He is out to change me, and I am okay with that. 

I live to worship You, Lord 
My King of glory, brought me to Life
Gave me wings to fly, You are holy
Heaven and earth declare Your praise
Both now and evermore, I will glorify Your name




Tuesday, February 21, 2012

I Don't Know

I click the sign in button and stare at a blank post, I haven't wanted to write I just wanted to be alone and figure life out. 
 One time I was training for a race and for some reason felt off when running, I was behind one of the slowest girls and that never happened.  Then I stopped breathing.  I stopped running and tried taking deep breaths while I collapsed to the ground.  A coach ran over to me and tried to calm me down.  I became scared and burst into tears, within minutes I was laughing and crying because I couldn't understand what came over me.  

I didn't understand.  I ended up placing first in the race I was training for, but it was not without bad days.  Days I don't know why things happen, days when people tell me to pull it together and figure it out.  

"What's your plan."   
I don't know... 

but I do know that there's this Guy, He loves me more than I can even fathom and He has a plan.  
It's okay to not know, it's okay to be confused, and most of all it's okay to trust, even on our worst days, that there's a better tomorrow. 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

So that's my plan; to let go, to accept not being able to understand and yet have peace in knowing someone who DOES understand is in control, directing me through the rush hour of life. 

"In his heart a man plans his way, but the LORD directs his path." Proverbs 16:9


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Pray

“Be joyful always; pray continually…” 

Praying is a funny action word.  I mean if you think about it everyone prays differently.  Some are more eloquent, while others talk as they would to their best friend, some take their time to get to the point and then there’s those who say exactly what’s on their mind, but to God it’s all the same: conversation with Him. 


“The greatest hindrance in prayer is lack of faith.”
Consider it, God wants us to perceive Him as our Father and yet when we pray we are constantly approaching Him as we would an adult our age.  We tell and don’t ask.  We need to go to Christ as a child would to their parents.  Young ones long for intimacy with their parents, one can tell this by the excited yells echoing the halls when a father comes home.  The kids are ecstatic to share their experiences and desires, to ask for help in situations; they are longing to tell him everything. This is how we should react to praying to God, ecstatic, longing, desiring intimacy.
“And whatever things you ask in prayer, believe, you will receive them.” Matthew 21:22d

It’s easy for us to cower from God, He is so big and we are so small, why would He ever want to hear the insignificant murmurings of our hearts?  Reality is Christ longs to be in every part of our lives guiding and strengthening us through each aspect.  Why are we cowering from a Father who's only hope is that we succeed?
“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.” Ephesians 6:18b

I remember thinking how ridiculous it was to ask God to help me through school, or to provide for something I wanted, or to ask Him for strength in a certain circumstance, I figured He only wanted to hear about the big, life changing decisions.  Oddly enough once I started allowing Christ into every corner of my daily life I found my plans forming into His plans for me, and boy, did those plans work out so much better!  I had to realize that God loves for us to be continually telling Him how we need Him to provide.  He will provide, even though in the moment it may not seem like the provision we were asking for we soon come to see in the bigger picture His answer was exceptionally greater.

Devote your prayers to God with the faith of a child.   Let God become apart of, not only the big choices, but also the small hourly ones, you’ll see His hand like you’ve never seen it before.  So, Pray, I dare you.