180 Day

I looked down "6/12"  that’s an F.  It was a fact I couldn’t change.  I had to accept it, but man it sure wasn't my idea of a good day. 

I walked out of math class full of thought.  I wish I could do better; I wish I could BE better. 

“Excuse me ma’am would you like a copy?”

Surprised I looked up to find two men handing out 180 the movie on dvd. 

“Actually, I’ve already seen it.  But I’ll definitely hand some out if you’ll let me!”

The man looked completely taken aback and gave me a huge hug. “You don’t know how refreshing it is to hear that.”  I smiled and started handing some out, promising people they would be amazed.  Some just smiled, I wondered if they’d ever watch it. 

I walked to the car with three copies left for three specific people. 

Well God aren’t You just full of plans.  Here I was ready to complain about my life and my horrible math score and You caught me. 

And in a moment I felt God speak: Tell them about Me not your faults.  Tell them of My love.  Don’t let this life take you down, you are worth more than a score.  Tell them…let them know…I will love them.

So many of my classmates don’t understand love.  I look at them just wanting to love them as I know Christ does--regardless of everything.  They've been hurt, abandoned and confused.  If only they knew.

"Who'll love me for me?

Not for what I have done or what I will become

Who will love me for me?

‘Cause nobody has shown me what love

What love really means what love really means"

Jesus, help me show them how You love them. Despite everything You want them.

I bend my knee this song my plea
Jesus, use me, I am Yours.
My dreams, my plans
My heart, my hands
Jesus, use me, I am Yours.
I am desperately wanting to please You 
With all that I am
And I know that You don't need me
But if You want me, I'm yours
My will, my voice, each word, each choice
Jesus, use me, I am Yours.
My blood, my breath,
My life, my death
If You would choose to use me my Savior
In spite of my fears and all of my failures
I'm not much to look at
But whatever I am, I'm Yours
I am desperately wanting 
To please You with all that I am
And I know that You don't need me
But if You want me, I'm yours

...because you want me, I'm Yours 

Stopping Time

Ain’t it funny how some things take you back?

And the here and now just fades to black

      “I am a robot…I have come to keel youuuu”  I hear my five year old sister robotically declaring from the back yard.  Laughingly I think about how she’s grown into such a little person.  She used to be so little and well the only word she knew was “NO!” haha

      I open my pictures folder to search for videos and pictures of her when she was a baby.  However, I come across much more than just pictures of her.  Basically the past four years of my life has been rediscovered. 

      Every photo I see becomes a reality.  I smell the ocean of Hawaii and the trees in the Sequoias, I hear my friends’ laughter and experience the adrenaline rush of a game or race.  This is why I take so many pictures I think to myself.  It has nothing to do with the moment at hand, but I know years down the road I’m going to look at that photo and be able to experience it again.  
       Society repeatedly tells me how improbable it is to stop time. Although they may be slightly right I hold to the belief that we have the ability to ensnare time.  In a picture time has been trapped and lies there awaiting your discovery of it. Through your memory the picture suddenly comes alive and there it is…all over again…

You’re gonna miss this

You’re gonna want this back

You’re gonna wish these days

Hadn’t flown by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

                                             But you’re gonna miss this 

       The memories slip away and reality soon draws me back in.  I head out to college thinking about the amazing memories God has given me. They have left a haunting effect on me.


 For a memory plays the tune of a life passed and yet subsists as the melody for a future untold.  


Leaving them behind is not effortless. But I fancy there are portraits to be captured and frames to be hung.  After all I’m still young and “ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!” So I’ll just bring my camera and chase it down.

What If

      I pulled up to my brother’s school to drop him off; he was early and didn’t want to get out yet.  I sighed pulled over and sat with him for a few minutes thinking about how I SHOULD be home getting my homework done.  Finally, he got out I told him to "play nice with the other children" and I drove off.  I was only seconds from the school when I saw a fire truck in the middle of the lane I was in. 

It wasn’t there when I was driving here a few minutes ago.

Then I saw it: A white truck had completely smashed the drivers side of a car; someone was injured.

That could’ve been me…I was supposed to be here at that moment but my brother made me stay and wait with him.

      Reality strikes hard.  It’s strange to think how many times we’ve probably come close to death.  We get frustrated when things don’t go our way. Every day occurances such as traffic, a flight delayed or cancelled, children procrastinating to the car all seem insignificant by themselves, but what if one of those things were to go differently, what would've happened?  It's as if Someone is watching out for us, saving us. We look so closely at the puzzle we fail to see the grander picture and how every piece of the puzzle has a place. 

"There is a time for everything, 
  and a season for every activity under the heavens:

  a time to be born and a time to die,
  a time to plant and a time to uproot,
  a time to kill and a time to heal,
  a time to tear down and a time to build,
   a time to weep and a time to laugh,
  a time to mourn and a time to dance,
  a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
  a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
  a time to search and a time to give up,
  a time to keep and a time to throw away,
  a time to tear and a time to mend,
  a time to be silent and a time to speak,
  a time to love and a time to hate, 

  a time for war and a time for peace." 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

So maybe I didn’t “almost” die, it wasn't my time.  But the realization that I could have been there at that moment made me think,

what if that was me...

Hypocritical Glasses

    "Do not judge, or you too will be judged.

For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, Let me take the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces."

Matthew 7:1-6

As I read this passage I saw how hypocritical I tend to be.  I will judge others ignoring my own sin in that area, or just plain judge them without attempting to fully understand their situation.  It’s almost as if the glasses I wear are made only to be seen out of hypocritically.  As Christians we are called to love EVERYONE (especially our enemies) just as Christ loved them and even as Jesus died for them.

Give me Your eyes for just one second

Give me Your eyes so I can see

Everything that I keep missing

Give me Your love for humanity

Give me Your arms for the broken hearted

The ones that are far beyond my reach

Give me Your heart for the ones forgotten

Give me Your eyes so I can see

“For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” John 3:17

      Consider it, Jesus died for the prostitute, the drunkard, and the man sitting alone in a jail cell just as much as He died for you and for me.

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Mark 2:17  We are no more worthy.  We allow our pride and hypocritical selves to take over and declare how far above we must be to choose to seek after Christ.    

               Oh stupid, stupid, stupid self. 

When we ask God to take away the hypocritical glasses we can then see these people the way He sees them and have the ability to love them the way He loves them.  

My desire is to see out through Christ’s glasses, not these hypocritical ones that I am relentlessly procuring.

A Place of Refuge

      I hear weekly about a world where there is no God, or a god who is not my own.  You can’t miss it, the feeling is so strong it’s almost as if you’re caught in a thick forrest and no one can see the light out but you.  The agnostic, self-righteous beliefs run thick in this place--it’s a school, there for learning and yet even those who know truth can fall susceptible to the lies that wreak its halls and doorways. 

    Sleep is a time of rest, a place to escape the illness.  And yet, even in sleep I am haunted by the memories.  I am thrust into sin fighting to get out, thrashing, gasping for a hope no one claims to believe.  I want to escape it but I know it was for this place and for this time I was called to shine for Him.

“And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" Esther 4:14

I wake up.  It’s Sunday. 

“Well you look all happy today!” 

      I laugh and say that I don’t know why but I could barely pay attention in church I was in such a good mood.  As I leave for home I start to realize it.  Every day I am at school is a battle.  The devil and my flesh are fighting against Jesus and my spirit. This battle is, well, tiring and I am always calling on God for strength and a restful time to renew my worn out soul. 

      So why was I so happy?  Because I now see how my friends and my church are a place I can find refuge.  I don’t have to worry about being “attacked” or “diminished” I can just relax.  It’s a safe house in the midst of a great war.  I smile because I know God is giving me a time of renewal.  I rejoice in knowing He has placed amazing friends in my life to be a constant comfort and support. 

Isaiah 40:28-31  "Have you not known? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,   the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint,   and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;   they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;   they shall walk and not faint."

      I finally felt ready to continue the fight.  I was ready to go back with a smile on my face and the joy of the Lord as my strength; knowing that God will never give me a battle without giving me strength. So basically I am really REALLY happy, but most of all extremely grateful for the friends He has given me. 

"The LORD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him." Exodus 15:2

A Splash of Color

This weather is my favorite; it's as if the entire earth has become all moody and yet at the same time refreshing.  I love watching my classmates pour into class soaking wet and yet grinning a mile wide.  I love the wool coats, scarves, hats, and boots.  But most of all I love the fact that my Creator made all of this for His children to enjoy.  There's a type of enchantment in watching the dark clouds roll in and in time listening to the rain drum down.  It's almost as if everything is being washed away and a new earth is being born.

"When the storm leaves there's a silence 

That says you don't have to fear anymore

The trees look greener, the sky's an ocean

The world is washed and starting over." 

Rain always seems strangely human.  Sometimes it takes tears to pour down to clear our vision and make us new.  But after those tears are wiped away we are new, ready to take on the challenge ready to be a bright light in a darkened world.  

"I am not who I was

I am being remade I am new

Dead to the old man I'm coming alive

I am new" 

I look out at the rain drenched city excited for the seasons ahead and exuberant in knowing I am remade. Christ has become my pardon!  I am free to worship Him all the days of my life, in the rain and in the sun.   Letting His love splash color onto a canvas filled with darkness.  

Fulfillment in Him

       I’ve stared at my blog over and over again for the past few weeks attempting to find SOMETHING to write.  Normally anything seems better than nothing, but in this case even “anything” fell short.  I received a text from a friend: “YOU NEED TO BLOG.”  I laughed thinking how there was absolutely nothing for me to say.  But that day I decided to see if anything came my way that I could blog about.  Well God seeming to never miss a beat decided to, I'll let you decide what His goal was:

"I can’t fail, I have to be better than them." 

      Have you ever met someone who seems unable to fail anything they do?  It’s “impossible” for them.  Their worth is in their success. They are constantly striving for that goal of perfection.  I always feel bad for the people who find their value in their success.  They are unaware of their true worth.  They seem continually on the prowl for new things to conquer and improve, and for some reason they also have this uncanny desire to make sure people know they’re better.  In the end all they desire is the feeling of “fulfillment" in their lives.  

Fulfillment: “the achievement of something desired.”

      There’s one thing I’ve noticed in people who HAVE to succeed to feel accomplished—they have HORRIBLE friend skills.  They nag, put down, can “dish it out but can’t take it,” are negative, and clingy.  It’s so hard to watch them “martyr” themselves without realizing the only way to true fulfillment is by desiring to delight yourself in the Lord and His will. Once one lets go of their world and asks Christ to fill them up they realize God's guidance takes us to unimaginable destinations.   

“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4 

      Until we actually give our plans to God and find our worth in Him, we will never be satisfied with the things of this world. We can plan and try as hard as we want but the Lord needs to be directing our paths.

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”   Proverbs 16:9

“O Lord, I know the way of man is not in himself; it is not in man who walks to direct his own steps” Jeremiah 10:23

      One day those "perfectionists" will wake up empty, with only medals and certificates hung on their wall.  Wondering to themselves why they still don’t feel an eternal fulfillment.  If only they knew they never had to prove themselves.  Jesus was the sacrifice and our lives should be lived in honor of Him.  Not with perfect grades, or work, or even perfect friends, but with a spirit of thankfulness, wanting to do all that we do for His glory, praising Him and showing His love to all through ones life. 

“I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.”  Ecclesiastes 3:12

       At the end of my day after running into a few of these people I honestly wanted to serve God so much more knowing how it feels to be fulfilled in Him. I saw first rate examples of people trying to succeed with out Him and are constantly struggling for perfection.  It made me hope and pray one day they’ll find their value, not in the things of this world, but in a burning desire to trust Jesus and let Him fill them up. 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Give EVERYTHING to God, let Him show you how to be eternally fulfilled in Him.