Fight the Fight

     As I write this post I am sitting outside, on top of my car, locked out of my house.  Why? My family is asleep, not answering their phones, and my brother has my key. 

But it made me think: lately I’ve been feeling “locked out” of God.  I’ve wanted to give up, forfeit.  I’m not the type of person who gives up easily, but I’ve been tired and ready to give in.  

Give in to what?  

      I firmly believe when you start following God’s path for your life the devil will do anything in his power to stray you, to make you feel like you can’t do it.  You know what Satan? I can’t do it, I will never be able to do it, I alone am not enough.  But that’s the best part; I don’t have to do it.  Think about Job and what God allowed him to go through, and through it all he was never alone.  Satan tried and tried to use people, good people, to lead Job astray, but he never faltered.  I wish I could be like that.  I’ve faltered…a lot, I’ve even led others astray.   Realizing how far away I was from God was a dawning of a new day.  I realized, I’M AT WAR, no matter how many people try to push aside the spiritual battle that daily takes place--it still exists, and we are all apart of it.  I wasn’t ready for it.  I let school and work overtake my life until I couldn’t focus on God, I let myself become susceptible and I fell.

        Sitting outside is really cold, I long to be in the warmth of my home, 

similarly sitting outside of God is very destitute. I longed to be back in the 

warmth of His embrace. Why couldn’t I go back? What had I done?  I had let 

Satan try and dissuade me from my “calling” I had let him tell me to focus on 

school and work and tell me that God will come.  It took a couple of weeks but I 

finally saw it, through friends who didn’t even know God was using them, I 

realized how greatly I had fallen.  

      
This war can’t and won't be fought with my knowledge of math or biology 
concepts but with the truth of Christ.  I was never really “outside” or “in the cold” 
I was just lost, God was still there He was merely waiting for me to finally see 
what He was doing—molding me into a person who can and will fight for Him.  A 
description I once heard was how a jeweler uses a chisel to form the ruby into

a beautiful piece of art, similarly God uses people and His Word to fashion us.  
It’s not easy being hit and chiseled but it’s even worse giving up what you know 
God has called you to do, or who God has called you to become.

"what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then 

vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, If the Lord wills, we shall live and do 

this or that.”  James 4:14-15

What is my life about?  

If the Lord wills it I will live it, no matter how impossible or tiring it seems, I know 
that with Him all things are possible.

"Let us not become wearing in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."  Galatians 6:9 

A Thinking Caterpillar

“Have you ever wondered what caterpillars think about?  For as long as they’ve known they were a plump worm just scooching along.  One day they take a long nap and after it they realize they have the ability to fly.”  But I wonder if it’s a strange sensation, terrifying, all they’ve ever known is the ground and crawling and then they’re different, they’ve been changed. 

When I look into your eyes

It's like watching the night sky

Or a beautiful sunrise

There's so much they hold

And just like them old stars

I see that you've come so far

To be right where you are

How old is your soul?

Sometimes all we’ve ever known is the life we’re leaving behind.  It’s scary to change and go on ahead, but God knows how much we can handle, He’s seen how far we’ve come and He’s always working in us, turning us into that butterfly.  His Spirit whispers in our souls that the life ahead is so much better than the one behind. 

I won't give up on us

Even if the skies get rough

I'm giving you all my love 

He will never give up.  No matter how strange or frightening life becomes it’s in those darkest times His great work is being done. Just like a caterpillar trapped inside a cocoon wondering why the darkness of that place is necessary. When the terrifying flood was brought to an end “God gave Noah a reminder-a rainbow.   When God asked Abraham to leave his home and go into the desert, God told him to look to the stars, and it would be a reminder that his people would be just as great. And when Israel was fleeing from his brother, not knowing what his future would be, he had a dream of angels ascending and descending.  Before he left that place he fashioned rocks as a reminder to himself that he was part of God’s plan.”

 And when you're needing your space

To do some navigating 

I'll be here patiently waiting 

To see what you find 

He lets us make our decisions, He lets us choose the life we’ve known or the one He’s trying to give us--the butterfly He wants to turn us into. For me:

I'm still looking up

even if the darkness seems unbearable I know "There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind." C.S. Lewis 

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38

"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."-James 1:2-4

Racing Time

Slow down, you crazy child
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?


"Faster, Faster!"  My younger sisters race around me and out the front door.  It seems like yesterday I was their age, racing to get older.  I wanted to be ten, I wanted to be thirteen, then sixteen, eighteen...now what do I want to be?  Why do I race?  I want to be done with school, onto my career, then to marriage and a family.  And yet...there's still so much I need to do before that. 

You better cool it off before you burn out

You've got so much to do and 

Only so many hours in a day

Each day presents itself with opportunities.  Days I can talk with an older sibling, watch my younger sisters play, talk to my parents, go see friends. Opportunities I put off to do homework, get to bed earlier, those opportunities don't last forever.  Why am I racing? 

Slow down you're doing just fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time


I have time.  I can stop, watch, listen, learn, and I have time to grow.  That's really what this time is for. I want to become all these things but I have time to grow into a person who is ready for those things. No need to be racing. 


Slow down, you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile 
It's alright you can afford to lose a day or two 


Sometimes it's hard to wait, hard to sit back and enjoy the peacefulness. But when one is dying do we ever hear him say "I wish I spent one more day at work" or "I wish I had slept more before that class."  No.  Death brings about the relationships we wish we would've fixed, the plans we wished we would've accomplished, and the faces we wish we would've seen.  So slow down.  In His time you will be perfected and in His time your plans will be made whole. I'm going to stop racing and start realizing there is only one March 19, 2012 and only one me.  


"Be anxious for nothing."  

Change

“God is out to change us.”

The Sunday morning sermon echoed through my ears. 

“He’s morphing you into the image of Jesus.”

Jesus was beaten, bruised, and betrayed.

“If anyone had the right to have self-pity He did.”

And yet He didn’t and so many times I pity myself, nothing I have ever gone through compares.  I’m a mere ink dot in the greater script of His suffering. 

“God says, ‘One of the ways I’m going to save you from is yourself.’”

When I feel the only person I can hurt is myself—I hurt Him.  When I feel the only person who can hear me is myself—He hears.  And when I feel the only one who truly notices is me—He’s watching.

“God loves you just the way you are, but He loves you so much that He won’t let you stay that way.” 

BAM.  Nail hit on the head.  I’ve dedicated myself to following after Him and He’s going to make sure I am the best that I can be, through opportunities. 

“If you ask God for patience will He simply give you patience or give you the opportunity to practice patience.”

Practice relying solely on Him.  Practice Faith.

“When God wants you somewhere He will make sure you get there.”

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.”  Romans 8:28

Because He is out to change me, and I am okay with that. 

I live to worship You, Lord 

My King of glory, brought me to Life

Gave me wings to fly, You are holy

Heaven and earth declare Your praise

Both now and evermore, I will glorify Your name

I Don't Know

I click the sign in button and stare at a blank post, I haven't wanted to write I just wanted to be alone and figure life out. 

 One time I was training for a race and for some reason felt off when running, I was behind one of the slowest girls and that never happened.  Then I stopped breathing.  I stopped running and tried taking deep breaths while I collapsed to the ground.  A coach ran over to me and tried to calm me down.  I became scared and burst into tears, within minutes I was laughing and crying because I couldn't understand what came over me.  

I didn't understand.  I ended up placing first in the race I was training for, but it was not without bad days.  Days I don't know why things happen, days when people tell me to pull it together and figure it out.  

"What's your plan."   

I don't know... 

but I do know that there's this Guy, He loves me more than I can even fathom and He has a plan.  

It's okay to not know, it's okay to be confused, and most of all it's okay to trust, even on our worst days, that there's a better tomorrow. 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

So that's my plan; to let go, to accept not being able to understand and yet have peace in knowing someone who DOES understand is in control, directing me through the rush hour of life. 

"In his heart a man plans his way, but the LORD directs his path." Proverbs 16:9

Pray

“Be joyful always; pray continually…” 

Praying is a funny action word.  I mean if you think about it everyone prays differently.  Some are more eloquent, while others talk as they would to their best friend, some take their time to get to the point and then there’s those who say exactly what’s on their mind, but to God it’s all the same: conversation with Him. 

“The greatest hindrance in prayer is lack of faith.”

Consider it, God wants us to perceive Him as our Father and yet when we pray we are constantly approaching Him as we would an adult our age.  We tell and don’t ask.  We need to go to Christ as a child would to their parents.  Young ones long for intimacy with their parents, one can tell this by the excited yells echoing the halls when a father comes home.  The kids are ecstatic to share their experiences and desires, to ask for help in situations; they are longing to tell him everything. This is how we should react to praying to God, ecstatic, longing, desiring intimacy.

“And whatever things you ask in prayer, believe, you will receive them.” Matthew 21:22d

It’s easy for us to cower from God, He is so big and we are so small, why would He ever want to hear the insignificant murmurings of our hearts?  Reality is Christ longs to be in every part of our lives guiding and strengthening us through each aspect.  Why are we cowering from a Father who's only hope is that we succeed?

“And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.” Ephesians 6:18b

I remember thinking how ridiculous it was to ask God to help me through school, or to provide for something I wanted, or to ask Him for strength in a certain circumstance, I figured He only wanted to hear about the big, life changing decisions.  Oddly enough once I started allowing Christ into every corner of my daily life I found my plans forming into His plans for me, and boy, did those plans work out so much better!  I had to realize that God loves for us to be continually telling Him how we need Him to provide.  He will provide, even though in the moment it may not seem like the provision we were asking for we soon come to see in the bigger picture His answer was exceptionally greater.

Devote your prayers to God with the faith of a child.   Let God become apart of, not only the big choices, but also the small hourly ones, you’ll see His hand like you’ve never seen it before.  So, Pray, I dare you. 

Elder Matthew

“I’m a girl that’s what we do, jump to conclusions!”

“ughhh, the longer I’m single the more I want to STAY single.” 

This is a typical conversation between my oldest brother and myself normally including inside jokes, movie quotes, and stories about parents. 

Frankly when I was about eleven I thought he was the worst brother on the planet.  We did NOT get along; I was needy and loud, he was moody and quiet.  After he moved away to college something changed, for some reason I found that he was more than a brother, but a friend, a comrade, a partner in the crime against our parents. ;)  I realized through the highs and lows of everything I’d been through he was there right beside (even if at times he didn’t want to be there).   It took him being away for all of us to appreciate what we had. 

I remember the first time he glared at these guys for checking me out, I grinned good-naturedly.  Even today I’m always amused at his “Big Brother” mode that instantly turns on. I’ve gone to him so many times for advice and just someone to talk to.  Even though growing up I could never see why God had put him in my life today, I know I NEED/ED him.  Without him I don’t know who would’ve listened to me rant for an hour or told me to not let what other people say get in the way.   He’s constantly reminding to keep what I believe in first and not to let others dictate who I know I can be.  “You always have to look out for number one Heidi…long pause…that’s you.” Hahaha   To some extent he forced me to grow up and take responsibility for my actions.  But more than telling me how to grow up, he showed me.  It was through his actions I learned how nothing is impossible when I ask God for His help.  

For my job interview I was asked who my hero was.  It took me awhile to decide but I finally picked my older brother.  Why?  Because he’s artistic, clever, he balanced a demanding job, college, and internships. He pushed through heartache and found that each new day provides us with a new hope. He fought for his dream job and and man am I proud of the job he landed.  But more than that I'm proud to call this man my brother.

I guess all I can say is, Happy Birthday Matthew, I don’t know what I did to deserve you for an older brother but thanks for all the laughter, strength and joy you bring into everyone’s life. <3